You Tell Me

It cannot be so
you say

simple hands
cannot change

the fate of humanity.
I say
Humanity is
a boundless,
absorbing heart
transcending
death & generations
and centuries
absorbing bullets
and stitches
and tear gas
enduring humiliation
and illegal abortions
and thankless jobs
I say to you
the heart of Humanity
has not and will not
be broken
And let us raise ourselves
like lanterns
with the millions of others-
with the mad
and the forgotten
and the strong of heart
to shine

Jewel~A Night Without Armor

51 things about ME

1. I hate getting up early.
2. I get up early every morning.
3. I am a coffee addict who only drinks one cup a day.
4. I do my best dancing at home alone.
5. I got my first cell phone a week ago.
6. My father was not around when I was born.
7. I was born on father's day.
8. I can throw a football better then my boyfriend (now EX).
9. I cook an irresistible meatloaf.
10. I can't eat red meat.
11. I love to read all night.
12. If I could only keep my eyes open past midnight.
13. I can road rage.
14. I am afraid of being alone in the dark.
15. I have a sword next to my bed.
16. If I see a blank sheet of lined paper, I must write on it.
17. I have a weakness for a beautiful face and intense eyes... and green hair.
18. I got pregnant by accident at 20.
19. I chose to have my son.
20. I have never regretted it, not once.
21. I have moved 23 times since I left home at 15.
22. I went to 6 different highschools in the course of 3 years.
23. I belly dance.
24. I love wall-flowers.
25. My best friend was the first girl I ever had a threesome with.
26. I value bravery and intelligence above all other qualities.
27. I still love every person I have ever truly loved.
28. I have never been in love with a woman outside of friendship, but I would love to be.
29. My favorite comfort movie is Mystic Pizza.
30. My favorite comfort book is The Clan of the Cave Bear.
31. My brother is the greatest man I have ever known.
32. My son idolizes him.
33. My family is very important to me.
34. I watched the presidential debates and all of election night last year.
35. I have never given a fuck before.
36. I will never stop dreaming of a greater purpose.
37. I have premonitions.
38. When I was a young girl, I knew one day I would write a best seller.
39. I wonder when that day will come to pass.
40. I don't write near enough.
41. I am a master.
42. In my heart I would love to be a submissive.
43. Being sexy is very powerful to me.
44. Being able to tone it down it is even more powerful.
45. I have an intimate connection to chocolate.
46. I don't drink more then 3 drinks... ever. (alcoholic of course)
47. I drink 2-3 times a year.
48. All my friends come to me for advice.
49. All of them are right there for me if I need them... like when I set off bombs in my life.
50. Kissing is my second favorite thing.
51. I will never give up.

A Book Not to Read

I don't usually do this, I am such a book pusher most of the time, but I have come across a total waste of time, money and readers imagination. So I decided to post a warning. Do not read the newest Thomas Covenant book titled: Runes of the Earth. Good title, excellent potential just because its written by Stephen Donaldson and belongs to his Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever series. Unfortunately it never stops being utterly disappointing.

I am at least two thirds of my way through the book, which is much too far in to still be wondering when its going to pick up and get good. I was so damned excited about reading it too. What a waste. I don't know what the author was thinking, but he seems to have completely forgotten the desirable qualities that existed in the earlier stories. Namely Thomas Covenant. I mean, how can you relate this book to those earlier ones and not use either the original main character, or if you can't (because he's dead) then you must replace him with another main character who might possess a similar... distastefulness. After all, Covenant was a leper who raped an innocent young girl trying to help him and failed his friends time and time again. An un-hero worth remembering...

What Mr. Donaldson has done is take the wimpy character from the last story and make her the main character, and even throws in some kind of a plot line about trying to save her son. Give me a fucking break... Thomas Covenant never cared about saving anyone but himself, so why should we? Dammit I hate when an author tries to cash in on prior success because he's run out of creative juices and then sells us a piece of crap with a good name.

I give this book a big flip of the old bird.

Crash

Recently I went out and rented the new movie, with a stellar cast, called Crash. I didn't really know what to expect from watching the trailers, but I do like some of the actors very much and so I followed my curiosity.

This movie was very appropriately titled. There were many moments throughout the film that I felt as if I had just gone through a crash, or was about to. This is a poignantly painful tale of unrelated people who suffer from similar hardships. The movie orbits around the very real problem of racism, and even classism (I'll call it) that still runs rampant today.

The main characters are people of all colours and classes who are forced to interact with each other regardless of their own feelings. Specifically, there are instances of incredibly offensive abuse born of racism and frustration, as well as moments of heart-wrenching heroics and highly volatile rage.

I was shocked repeatedly and my feelings were stirred up regardless of what I wanted. I live for these types of tales. The kinds that are not trying to be nice, or paint a pretty picture. I purposefully expose myself to stories that evoke an emotional response because I feel very strongly that our emotional experiences are a key part of our overall journey through life. If we didn't feel a thing, we would never have any desire or motivation to change anything, ever.

This movie gives a close look at issues that are painfully apparent and need to be looked at, if we are ever to change them. The issues that this film deals with are prejudices and misconceptions of all kinds. Fear is a living thing and it has a hold of too many of us. If we don't get a grip on our fear, it will strangle us all in an attempt to make the world "safe". If you are not frightened by intense stories, and only find they make your vision clearer, this is one for you.

fantastical warrior 

The Warrior

All of my stories follow a similar thread. I can tell them from many different settings and situations, but eventually it all washes out with the same strong scent. Eventually I am still telling the tale of the warrior... the hero, the Messiah.

I do not tell the tale of the broken man stumbling through the remains of his shattered life. I do not tell the fable of the boy who found his girl, then lost his girl and then won her back or moved on in a brave and romantic way. I am not telling tales of inner demons wrecking havoc in the deep dark of the back of the closet. Those are all stories worth telling and worth reading, but they are not the story that drives me.

I loved Frank Herberts sci-fi classic, and I loved David Lynch's version of it, Dune... I have visions of Duke Leto telling the young Paul Atredes, "the sleeper must awaken." I am a sleeper, awakening.

When I was 11 I read Jean Auel's The Clan of the Cave Bear, definitely the best book of the series. I dreamed of being Ayla, teaching herself to hunt and learning to be a healer... surviving and overcoming the tremendous catastrophes in her life. She was the first woman warrior I ever met and I knew that I was her... she was in me.

The first story I ever wrote for myself, without it being a school project, I was 9 or 10 and it was about a little orphan girl, who is tormented by nightmares about her parents death and is driven to find her baby brother. They were separated after the tragic accident that took their parents from them. She escapes from the orphanage, hops a plane and tracks him down, and even finds a new mother in the meantime. She was on a hero's journey.

The next story, which wanted to become a novel, I started when I was 11, and I called it "The Land Beyond." This was a fantasy tale about an elf who dreamed of being a warrior and actually got the chance when his daughter was kidnapped. There were companions, fairies, mermaids, dragons and evil sorcerers. It is still in a box all 80-100 pages of it, waiting for completion to this day... it was my first lesson in writers block.

I have a dream of writing a profound story of the ultimate hero who changes the face of the world. It's my desire to see the world become a braver place full of noble acts and just rewards. I want to make a difference, and so I figured the best way that I could accomplish this is through the gift I have been given, the gift of words. I have dreamed long of writing a best seller, probably since the very first line of The Land Beyond, and I still dream of it. I guess I want as many people as possible to share the story of the hero, to feel it and be inspired by it.

One of the most inspiring hero's journeys I've ever read would have to be Starhawk's 'The Fifth Sacred Thing.' This book opened my mind and took me to a place I did not even know could exist. It is a sacred book almost, rich with possibility, both terrible and wonderful. I got my first glimpse of what my utopia would be, and what my personal hell would be as well I guess. This book made me feel that I could make a difference, gave me direction. The warriors path became clearer to me then ever before.

So one day, do not be surprised if I post news about an upcoming publication of one of my books. It will happen.. because I am a warrior, I am the hero and I am going to do it with all that I am. Besides, who's the author of this story anyhow?

Slow English, Quick Acting

Yesterday I went to my first University level English class. It is a prose and fiction class, which I have been looking forward to taking. I was very sick last week and so I missed the first class, which kind of sucked because of course there was already homework, which I was unprepared for. I quickly read the stuff while the teacher talked... and I quickly learned that the teacher really likes to talk. Then I cooperated in the class discussion he was trying desperately to initiate, although it was more of a three people and the teacher discussion.

It was humorous and sad to me that this English class is SO reminiscent of a high school English class. It could be because the majority of the students in the class look to be fresh out of high school, or because the teacher has been teaching too long and has forgotten how to use more then a mono-tone to speak in. Either way, I found myself in grade 12 English yesterday... yeck. It also seemed that even though most people were present for the first class, a lot of them were as unprepared for the class as I, maybe even less prepared, as I was still answering the teachers questions and trying to participate. Even before the class actually ended the teacher gave us all an exasperated lecture about being prepared and doing the work, and then he dismissed early and left the class so fast it seemed to me that he was escaping. I want to participate and talk about the materials, I see it as the only way to make it through what appears will be a semester of Mr. Mono-tone and the gang of goof-offs. Can I make it? Sure. It's mainly a bunch of reading at home and then pointing out in class what the author was trying to impart by using... lets say... an open window in the scene. For some this may be pure torture, but for me its easy as pie and I don't mind being the brain in the class, all the better for me.

Now the other class I had yesterday was Theater. In high school Acting was generally my best class. I always ended up with A's whether or not I liked the teacher. It has been about 10 years since my last high school acting class and so I was a little nervous before class yesterday. I wondered if I still had 'the stuff'. I needn't of worried. It came back like riding a bicycle and I remembered why I decided to take the course in the first place. It also helped that I have a very hot young teacher, I think he and I are the only 'older' people in the class though, but that's ok, I generally find acting students to be pretty open-minded in the first place. It was a lot of fun, and even the trust and focus exercises were somewhat stimulating; lying on the floor in the dark with our eyes closed while the teacher walks around us speaking slowly and quietly about what part of our body to tense and relax, with soft, relaxing music going in the background. Yup, acting has its perks. Next class to conquer... Psychology. I can hardly wait.

Speaking of Star Trek

This is directly influenced by The Zombieslayer... what can I say, you inspired me.

Ok, so yesterday I flick on the Space channel and I find the latest Star Trek cash cow on, "Enterprise." I had heard that it was cancelled, and I was not surprised. I am not even sure of how long the show ran, I have watched maybe a handful of episodes, it just did not catch my attention at all. I have higher hopes for the next attempt, and there is absolutely no doubt there will be a next attempt.. it is just too much in demand.

Star Trek and The Simpsons, they will continue for a very, very long time yet I am sure. Long after any of us presently watching television are long dead and buried and our far removed loved ones forget to bring us flowers, or even where we are buried anymore. There will still be Star Trek and The Simpsons. The voices for Homer, Bart and the gang will undoubtedly have to be computer generated, but I am sure they will pull it off.

Now the last attempt, Enterprise, was a flop from the credits on. First off, the leader or musical torture-device opener that every regular show seems to need to have, basically depicts the American race to space. Nothing against Americans, I am in fact very fond of many, many of them, but if Star Trek was anything, it was definitely NOT about that. I understand that this worked with the content of the show, as it was supposed to be about the first 'star trekkers'. Depicting images of our present and past attempts at getting into the ' great out there' is supposed to tie us all in to the whole Star Trek universe.

The problem with that was that by turning the inside of the first Enterprise into something that closely resembled the inside of a submarine or navy vessel they eliminated the futuristic appeal of the ships. Then they used an actor who already is well known for a previous sci-fi series, to play the captain, and he pretty much just plays the same character he did in the other show. On top of this they have characters who are not enlightened in the ways of 'federation directives', and come off as being petty and hot under the collar, even racist with the way they treat the Vulcan on board. Again this may be the way some of us are today, but it is not the way that the futuristic officers of a Star Trek ship have been known to behave. Altogether the show was a big failure. I even liked some of the actors, thought they were good, even hot, but they writers and maybe producers failed them, I think.

I remember being a kid and sitting down with my mother and older brother to watch the first run of the pilot episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I was an instant fan. Loved the philosophy, the idealism and hopefulness with which the future was presented. Grew up a trekkie, after a fashion... I never did get into Star Trek DS9, but I loved Voyager most of all. When it ended I looked forward to the next show, thinking it could only get better and they probably learned their lesson from DS9. Obviously needed another lesson.

I think its the adventure of exploration for the sake of exploration, and the idealism of such a cooperative and abundantly healthy and moral future of humankind that the people really hunger for. Not to mention the cool toys, like really, really fast warp drives, androids, borg and the nobility to break the rules properly. That kind of future could only be come by great change and bravery, which satisfies even the most rebellious young soul. Give us back our potential to be groovy and dignified adventuring hero's, and keep the realism for Law and Order.