Shedding the Things You're In

I was having one of those really great conversations with a friend the other day. You know, the kind that make you feel all warm and mushy and you just want to reach out and kiss the person and say "I like you SO much!" But of course you don't, cause then you would be a person with bad boundaries and little self-control and they would always wonder if you are just trying to get in their pants.

Anyway so we are having this excellent intellectual intercourse when I had an eye-opener of a vision. I was talking about remembering how many things (as in furniture, clothes, little scraps of paper) that I have left behind me in all the moves I have made. The realization came to me in a vision of a snake-like trail of all my 'things' stretching out into the distance behind me. First I only thought of furniture, then clothes, then papers ( I am a writer) came into it... jewelry, hair elastics, clothes, luggage, blankets/pillows/towels, did I mention clothes... you begin to get an idea of what the snake looked like. That thought led me to another, bigger idea. A horrifyingly vivid image of all the 'stuff' I have left behind me shot through my brain. I then looked at my friend an imagined the wake of 'stuff' he has left behind him.

The things I saw were not just furniture, or clothing, but everything. All the shit that we accumulate, use, and discard throughout an individual lifetime. I realize that this too is not an original idea, but get over it, all the originals have been taken, we just get to retell them in new and hopefully interesting ways.

Just imagine for a moment, all the stuff you have used and left behind throughout your life. Lets bring it into focus here... for all of you who are not just glorified children yourself, but who actually have children... think of all the pairs of shoes you have had to buy for your growing progeny. Now think of how many you have worn and discarded throughout your own growing and wearing lifetime. How about coats? Gloves? Socks!! Ok, the clothing pile is huge... and even huger for most women (like me), but think about the other stuff. What about paper... lined paper, scrap paper, newspaper, paper cups/plates/containers, toilet paper... How about plastic? Forks, spoons, toys, bags... Monumental isn't it? Think about all the disposable things you used? The coffee cups from the local caffeine peddlers. Toothbrushes, Q-tips, dental floss, tissue paper, ziploc bags, chocolate bar wrappers, ice cream containers, pop cans... the list goes on and on and on... Some of these things we recycle now, which is really really wonderful, but way more then we recycle, we throw away. If you then include beds, dressers, tables and chairs, t.v.'s, telephones, vehicles, bicycles, tires, tools and card board boxes... the pile stretching out to the horizon becomes looming and unavoidable. Just for one person.

Its incredible isn't it? Maybe not to some of you, maybe its something you try really hard to not think about, or try really hard to be aware of, or maybe you don't even give a shit. None the less, when you do think about it, you are faced with an impressive display of shedded 'things', and when you add all of your things to all of your friends things, and to their families things and then add all of those things to the things from the people you don't like or don't even know... well you get where I am going with this. It was an epiphany for me. The amount of clothes alone that I have discarded on my path are probably enough to clothe a small country. What a world we live in, and what a way we live in it.

Fuck.

WTF?

(for those of my friends who are reading this but do not use computer lingo WTF?=what the fuck?)

I don't generally do much blogging on politics, for two reasons; the first and biggest would have to be the sheer fact that I am walking on a thin wire when it comes to accepting the awful truth that we, the people, have very very little to do with the decisions being made about our lives and futures. This coming from an admittedly optimistic person and when I say I am optimistic, it means that I always try to look on the bright side, or hold my head high, or think positive. It is not actually like trying, its just my natural tendency... so when I try to look on the bright side of politics... well like the rest of you, I am completely blinded by the bright flashy lights and cameras. I am distracted by the wagging of the dog, and even though I know its wagging I can not look away because that is pretty much the whole picture that I am presented with. I honestly believe that regardless of how much you care, or try to be involved, unless you have status and cash to back you up, you are merely a flea on the ass of the bull that's wearing a bejeweled collar.

The second reason is that I am truly baffled at, and saddened by, how many people propagate the lies. People who only betray themselves and the rest of their loved ones because they are too frightened by their own damned fear to realize or admit it. It drives me utterly crazy knowing that what those people need is some good help, and knowing most of them won't even try to get it. Lots of love and support that they didn't get when they were kids. Someone to tell them that worrying does nothing but cause health problems and that it will be ok, it will all be ok. They can remove their hands from their eyes now, they can handle anything, because they are stardust having an experience of consciousness and without the messed-up parts and the pain, we would never know love or joy or passion (or ever have created Art). So just let go and open up. That is real faith. Once you give up on being afraid and believing the lies that your fear has told to you, look back and behold the fabrication of purpose you have been hypnotized with.

Can people really deny the fact that a 'certain government', for example (cause they are so easy to use as an example), has committed numerous crimes against humanity. Has acted directly in opposition to their own policies and wishes of the people and lied and cheated to gain power to continue in their devastating pursuit of MORE. It's obvious to anyone willing to look at the unpleasantries. My optimistic mind wants to believe that people will eventually hold their government responsible for these actions and replace it with a better one. I am told again and again "No, Trudy. That won't happen. There is nothing but different shades of the same thing to replace it with." And I recognize the truth in this, but it makes me angry and sad none the less. I do not want to accept it. My heart hungers for a revolution, a civilly disobedient uprising the likes of which Gandhi would be proud. I am not a supporter of violence. Which doesn't mean that I don't understand the necessity for it at times, or that I feel the need to shield myself from images of it. But I do not resort to it, and I will attempt to stop it if it does not involve saving someone's life immediately. I just think that we have chewed that bone for a long time, and it would be helpful to try a different dish.

I know, all this rant really states clearly is that I am an idealist with a bit of a grudge against a 'certain government'. It is true, and idealism is exactly how I manage to keep my sanity intact and my cynicsm to a minimum. There. A rant on politics that is about why I don't rant on politics. See what its already done to me?

T.V. takes a turn for greatness

There was almost a decade in which I did not watch any cable t.v. Eight years to be exact. I caught a little t.v. whenever I went to visit friends or family in the city, but that was it for eight years, an hour or so here or there. When I did watch any television in those years it was mostly the music channel, a Star Trek of some sort (except for that DS9 shit... no way), which is a left-over love from my imaginative childhood or maybe Seinfeld cause it tended to be consistently funny. Other then that there was absolutely NOTHING of any interest to watch on about a hundred and a half channels. At least in my small viewing times.

I lived in a valley in the mountains with an alternative community for about 3 of those years, and then moved to the very close, and very, very small town (village maybe) that was close to 'the valley' for the remaining 5 years. In the valley there was no power grid, let alone cable. In this very small town the only way to get cable was through satellite and I was just not rich enough for that at that time. It wasn't a big loss, as I mentioned there was fuck-all on anyway.

Now I have moved back to a city, about a year ago... (Dec. 1) actually, to go to University, which doesn't leave a helluva lot of time for t.v., but you've got to have priorities. Just in time it seems!! T.V. has made some wonderful and highly exciting breakthroughs!! WooHoo! Soft-core porn can be seen almost every night of the week... WOW. Humor has decidedly leapt over the edge whole-heartedly, and I am with it! Let's hope the days of Friends type comedy dies quickly, and painfully. Friends was ok, but it was slim pickings (and oh so pure) in the light of shows like Arrested Development, or Family Guy, or how about Sex and the City. Oh and lets not forget about Futurama... and the good ole Simpsons (were the Simpons that controversial when we were children watching it?) I love to laugh!! Sure that may be a given, but hey, I can't be the only person to notice all those grumpy-assed, long-faced, up-tight angry people out there... they could use laughter as a prescription!! Comedians get to have ALL the fun. It seems that if you say something in a humorous way, you can say ANYTHING. Eddie Murphy was a great example of this in the 80's, as was Bill Hicks, who is way less known, but way more political. Nowadays, its still the stand-ups, Chris Rock comes to mind, but it is also the television shows. Family Guy and South Park are two of the top for controversy... well and Drawn Together, American Dad, The Oblongs and Clone High, all very funny to the point of disgusting at points. If you have something to say that needs to be heard, making it funny seems the way to go.

The next great leaps are in the more serious shows. C.S.I. came along and made it perfectly clear that people want more mystery and suspense, but I am Oh So Happy to report that it doesn't have to stick to cop shows. My absolute favorite of the suspense shows around today is Lost. Hands down, no competition. I managed to catch the first episode of this season and decided I needed to go back to the beginning and figure out what the fuck was going on. So I rented the first disk of the first season. Holy Shit. I was hooked from the very first moment, as I probably have mentioned on an earlier post, and from every moment that followed in every episode through the whole damned season. That is amazing. I can hardly wait for Wednesdays to roll around so I can see what is happening and what new things we learn about the characters. Whoever is the writer[s] for this show, BRAVO!! Whoever did the casting... Cheers to you too!! An excellent, highly compelling, enticing, addictive and hypnotic story has been created. Love it love it love it.

After Lost, my faves are (in order of most fave to least fave) The L Word, all I can say is Yumm. I am a lover, women, men, there are beautiful ones on both sides and I have a weakness for the beautiful ones. I have a long-term boyfriend, and he does not mind my swinging sexuality taste one bit (he is the only man in my life and he knows it) , so it works just fine all around. Next we have Desperate Housewives... love it, comedy mixed with mystery surrounding a bunch of randy housewives. A sign of the times. A little note though; I remember a quote from Oprah (through a magazine I believe cause I don't watch Oprah) that came out last year. She was saying that she couldn't watch, or find believable, a show about a group of housewives who all lived in a neiborhood that did not have one black family. Guess what, this season, a black woman moved in to the neiborhood. Sell-outs. Does this mean I won't watch the show, well I am by far not racist, so either way doesn't matter to me about a black desperate housewife, but I can be prejudice against stations that kiss politically correct asses to gain more viewers. I'll watch the show, but I'll call the station exec's losers anyway. I guess I can feel for them,it must be hard having Oprah giving out publicity, bad or good. Stupid Fucks should have realized that Eva Longoria (although hot) isn't enough to satisfy the majority of none-white people in the viewing hemispheres to being with. Regardless... love the show.

A station that does deserve mention and notice for its big balls, is Showcase. This channels advertisement shows adults in a hotel room dressed-up for some kinky role play sex and pillow fights, definitely has got my vote. I think Sex and the City changed everything, thank you, oh thank you.

So Many Stories, So Little Time

Beside my bed there is a stack of books sitting on the nightstand. Underneath the nightstand, there is another stack of books. At the foot of my bed... one more stack to join the others. These are just the books that I have decided to read sooner then later. Down here, in the 'library', there are five bookshelves filled with books, and those are only MY books, of which I have already read over half, more then once for some of them. When my love moved out this summer, he took all of his books and shelves, which should be returning with him any day now.

When I was a little girl the only books in our house were the ones that my brother and I had for school work, my mothers copies of 'The Clan of the Cave Bear, Valley of the Horses & The mammoth Hunters' and maybe an autobiography of two. She has always loved to read the stories of people's lives... I have always said her life would make a truly compelling story. When I was about 9 or 10, I started reading those 'Earth's Children' books (Clan of the Cave Bear...) and it changed my life. Honestly.

The main character in those books begins as a small Cro-Magnon girl of 5 who has lost everyone she knows in an earthquake and is taken in by a Neanderthal clan. So really the tale is about a girl who just doesn't fit in. I could really relate. Ayla, is her name, grows to become an incredible warrior and medicine woman, and is eventually cast out of the clan for being to head-strong. Not suitable for a clan woman, they are not allowed to touch weapons, let alone become warriors. By the end of the first story, Ayla is only 14 yrs old.

I loved this story with all my heart. Inside I knew I wanted to BE Ayla. To this day, I will pick up the first or second book in the series and start reading just for comfort. It always brings me home, gives me strength and courage. I judge most stories by this one. If it has a compelling Hero or Heroin, then I am in. I write most stories with this one somewhere in the back of my consciousness.

I think one of my all time favorite Hero stories has to be Battlefield Earth. I may have mentioned that one already in a previous post, but it definitely belongs here. The Hero in that book is named Johnny Goodboy Tyler, and he is awesome. He is not a swashbuckling hero, but rather a perfect example of the ingenuity and bravery that is possible in all of us.

Right now I am reading She's Come Undone. I picked it out of a friends library, he has hundreds, maybe thousands of books, and as soon as I started reading, it caught me. That's how I like it. A few years ago I pretty much gave up buying books from bookstands in drugstores and supermarkets.. they all became rubbish to me. I think that the covers of books have become incredibly boring. So the other day while shopping and gently browsing the book section, I could not help but notice a book that had a little girl, in a tutu, wearing a tiara, red and black striped tights and big army boots. The title: hypocrite in a puffy white dress. I opened it to the first page of the first chapter and read the first couple of lines (this is my constant way of discovering if a book is readable, openings are VERY important to me). It was excellent! I related to the main character right off the bat, so I bought it! It's sitting on my coffee table just waiting for me to finish with the one I am reading now... shouldn't take much longer. I bumped it up past the stacks by my bed... that happens sometimes.

As my mentor, Steve King, likes to say 'If you're trying to be a writer, you better be reading or writing at all times!' Well I have that part down pat.

time to finish... 

Melancholy Me

I was just writing an email to one of my longest standing friends, and something we have always done if too much time had passed between correspondences is to do updates on ourselves; what books we are reading, music listening to, trips taken.

So I was writing about the music I am relating to these days, and I had a real insight into my over-all mood and how the songs I listen to express my feelings so accurately. I bet as my moods change, so does my music. Right now I am listening to Dar Williams ~ February, on a playlist I made that also includes Eric Clapton ~ I Get Lost, Lisa Lobe ~ You Say, Jewel ~ Foolish Games... and it goes on like that. All sappy soulful tunes. Like mist hanging low through a forest, drifting quietly with the romantic sorrow of its fleeting nature.

My dreams have been the same... all kind of soft and mournful. There is something moving, shifting and stretching inside of my heart. I am trying to give it release, I write, I dance, I cry if I need to... but it is bigger then all those. I think I should have some work done on my back tattoo, I need some kind of ritual to help me cross this barrier and the pain of the needle brings a kind of focus that is hard to duplicate otherwise. I think the Goddess is trying to get my attention, and I am willing to listen.