Too much Fun to be Legal

I am taking an Acting class this semester and I am loving it. Initially when I decided to go to University, I wanted to major in Psychology as well as Theatre in hopes that once I received my Masters Degree in Psyc, I could teach Acting in highschools as well as be a counselor. My academic Advisor suggested an English major to accompany my Psyc one considering I am a writer. Well I tried that idea on, and now that I am actually taking Acting, I think I will stick to my original plan.

My first day of class I was so nervous I sat in the girls washroom for at least ten minutes with my head in my hands repeating to myself. "You fool! What were you thinking? You actually have to PERFORM!" I have suffered from performance anxiety for the past few years which is another reason why I did sign up for the class, I wanted to change that. Well its working.

I did my first performance about two weeks ago worth 25% of our grade. We were all assigned to do a silent piece meant to show how well we could convey something without words. Out of the choices we had, I picked a scene of Juliet waiting for news of Romeo. I was definitely nervous the whole day before and right up until my scene started. For me, that's where the nervousness stops. I nailed the scene. I got an A+, the highest mark in the class, and yes I am bragging, because dammit, I am proud of myself. I was so excited when I met with the teacher to go over my marks... the same hot teacher I mentioned on my other blog, so it made my wonderful grade all the better getting it from him, along with all the praise. He told me that he was going to raise the bar, now knowing what I was capable of.

Well now we are working on our next performances. This time in teams of two. Wesley, my teacher, put me with a young guy who got one of the other highest marks in the class. I am really happy for that, because he is a good actor, determined and brave with a great sense of humor, and the ability to turn it off. Oh and he is very nice on the eyes, and as an added bonus, intelligent as well. The teacher said he was going to raise the bar, well he gave us a scene about a doctor and his wife, who have been married 5 years, are very much in love and are on a weekend getaway in a fashion hotel. The one issue is that I, the doctors wife, am addicted to Morphine and my good Doctor man does not want to give it to me any more. So what do we have here... two people very much in love... and an addiction.

To do it right, it can not seem to be acting, it must be compelling and seem real. Well, so does anyone know how people in love act? Really in love? Well they are playful, affectionate and intimate, especially on a getaway. Hmmm... how do I behave when I am in love? Are we allowed to portray that? Hahaha. Well to some extent, we are expected to portray that. Yes I definitely think my teacher did a damned good job of raising the bar because portraying intimacy is not an easy thing to do convincingly. But I tell ya, working on it and pretending to be, has been a helluva lot of fun. I get to be flirty and touchy and seductive with this handsome, intelligent man, who just happens NOT to be my boyfriend. So much fun for a girl like me!! We decided to do a kiss for the part. If its done well, it can seal the deal on portraying us as comfortable and in love. Hmmm but to be done well, it cannot be an awkward first kiss.

I bet you can see where this is going... you are clever readers.

We did a rehearsal performance for the teacher, so he could give us advice and such, and he loved the direction we have gone with it, loves our comfortable intimacy, the kiss (which we did only mediocre to save the real power for the actual performance) and the heavy, sad ending we have created. I am addicted after all, and addictions generally have bad effects on relationships, even if you are madly in love.

My love, the real one, has no problem what so ever with me kissing this guy for our performance, he is just not the jealous type. I had to consult with him though, after this summer I could not help the feeling that I was doing something wrong even pretending with this guy. I am sure he would not necessarily want me to enjoy it as much as I do, but I am totally professional about it, we both are, there is no tongue or making out, so to speak. Only what is necessary for the scene. I will admit here though that I enjoy it almost wickedly, like a rich piece of chocolate with whipped cream. Yum Yum. Its too good not to be bad for you. In this case I get to pretend that I am not as into it as I am portraying myself to be. But no one can police my thoughts and I get to have ALL the fun.

Lose the Users

I figure I must need to learn some kind of lesson about helping people and drawing boundaries. Either that or I have some serious karma to work out from my last life. I love to help people, to talk with them and listen to them and hopefully even inspire a little bravery into some of them, and so I guess it is perfectly natural that I would be attracted to, and attractive to, troubled people.

My boyfriend lived a lot of his life as a very depressed man, before he fell in love with me. That sounds like I was the catalyst for his change, and although that is a very nice and romantic idea, it's not how it happened here. He got to a point in his early thirties where it was either 'do something NOW to change your life, or kill yourself' and so he started taking anti-depressants. He had already tried many, many other treatments, but nothing worked, until the drugs. It was almost a miracle, in his eyes. The change was practically immediate. He said it felt as if a hungry demon had been lifted off his shoulders and the relief brought him to tears. Lucky for me. It's been more then ten years since then and although he still has some down times, they are far from unbearable. Also our relationship has only added to his feelings of gratitude and good fortune. This is a very successful man who has beaten the odds and been very brave. One of the many things I adore about him.

He is an exception in my life. I often become involved with people before they have their big changes and revelations... sometimes right on the brink of them, but mostly not. This brings me, in no short order, to my reason for this post.

I have written before about my dissatisfaction with my roommates, and you would not believe how grateful I am for the outlet, or else one day I might actually "kill people and eat their fucking heads."

Day 135 of the hostage-taking continues...And as of 3 weeks ago, it got way worse.

My roommate, Who, happens to be a really good friend of mine, and we all know that it is supposed to be disastrous to live with friends. Well on one hand that is true, and on the other, who the hell else should we live with, strangers? Not me, no thank you. Anyway, in this case it is true... we do better as friends then as roomies. Unfortunately for Who, she is not very good at managing her life and so often feels like everything goes wrong for her alone. I help her out every year or so, mainly it just works out that way, and I only give as much as I am comfortable with, so that next time it rolls around, I won't feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of. I try hard to maintain boundaries and still satisfy my need to help. Well about 5 and a half months ago, she left a really unhealthy relationship, and came here. The intention was to have a little recovery time and then get to work on making things better for herself. I needed a new roomie for my empty room and so it worked out great for all involved.

Until Who lost her job, and then sat around 'trying' to get another one for 2 months, by going out job-hunting at 2pm maybe 3 days a week. Ya its obvious to many of us that this is not exactly a recipe for success, but hey, I was trying to be supportive and getting angry and hounding someone to do something never ever works out well. If that person even ends up doing the thing, they are most definitely resentful, this does not promote happiness, and I am all about the happiness. Anyway, she finally got another job, after living off me the whole time 'off'. Well within 6 weeks, she lost that job. Too stressfull. I suggested school, its really working great for me and my prospects upon finishing do not include 'Subway' or 'New York Fries', (or American Fries, as my 8 year-old calls them). She wants to, but beginning is so overwhelming, she can not bring herself... so she found another job after about 3 more weeks. By this time she has spent too much of my money and can't talk about how to work it off cause she feels too guilty.

Then 3 weeks ago Who asks me if her sister can come stay with us for a little while, as she was moving here from Alberta. My roommate has no money, and so it is obvious to me which one of us will foot the bill on this. I say no. Plain and simple. "No." That does not do it, she whines, makes promises and since its her sister, I give an inch. I say, "2 days." She agrees.

After her sister, we'll call her Demanding, is here for 4 days I say to her, "so what's your plan?"

Demanding looks at me stupidly and says, "Oh I don't know."

Now I know this woman very well, known her before I met Who, and I know she is not stupid, but she IS lazy and most often useless. I ,never being daunted says, "Well do you have any money?"

She says, "Oh yes." I nod and say,

"Enough for damage deposit?"

She looks freaked and says "Oh.. NO." So she has maybe $100. She moves all the way here, with no job or house lined up (except to land at her sisters, which just happens to be my house) and no money. I can hardly stop myself from thinking, 'what a god damned loser.'

Instead I sigh and say "So what were you thinking you would do? Did you just expect your sister to catch you?" She shakes her head and says

"Oh no, of course not."

"What me then?"

"Oh no way, I would never expect that... but I do kind of need help." Right about now I feel like killing her and eating her fucking head.

Instead I say, "ok, you can stay here for one week. Just one." So that was three weeks ago. After that week was over and she was still here, and neither one of them has the balls to approach me about the situation, I have to bring it up myself. So after Who gives me her sob story and I again say "No. No. No way, I will not allow you to use me." She cries and pleads and tells me how hard she tries. I say "Ok fine, but you have to pay for the room and all the bills you rack up, including the food." She doesn't look extra pleased, like I am supposed to just be giving because I can, fuck you you fucking user. She agrees to it though, and after a day or so and we can talk about it again, she is way more understanding and apologetic. Demanding doesn't barely say a word to me about it all. She's more then happy to let Who do all the work for her. Well that's their issues not mine. The other day, they were both complaining about how little money they will have at then end of the month after paying me, not enough to get their own place, they will have to stay with Who's Ex for a while. This gives me a plan. I have already guessed that whatever they do see fit to give me when they get paid, won't be anywhere near what it will cost me to have them here the whole month, not to mention what Who already has racked up.

So I say to her, if you leave now, you don't have to give me a thing. But you have to go NOW, not the end of the week, or this weekend. Today. Who tried to discuss it with Demanding, but she doesn't want to deal with anything, she likes it here... its comfy, theres food, tv. Who is tired of her sister I think, she decides for them, and they are packing as I type this. Ahhhh, I can almost heave a sigh of relief.

Also, my love will be coming home soon... I can hardly wait.

Let's get Lost

Well, my exam is over, I can take a break from studying for.. at least tonight, and I figured that I would spend some time here. However, seeing as I have had to think much too deeply and intensely for over a week (it was a psych exam), I am going to do a post on a movie.. or in this case, a T.V. show.

So who out there has been caught by the "Lost" monster, besides me that is? So I just happened to catch a moment or two of the show last season, but never enough to understand what was going on. Then the second season started, and I decided to watch the season premier... I still could not quite get the depth of the situation, but it was enough to peak my interest. Therefore, about two weeks ago, I decided to rent the first disk of the first season.

From the opening sequence you are hooked. My thoughts were, "woa", and "what the hell?" Ok now... prepare yourself, I am going to ruin it a little (just the beginning) and if you can't handle that then you should stop reading NOW!

The first scene opens on the pupil of a man's eye. This guy is lying on his back in, what looks like, the middle of bamboo. He is shocked and kind of shaking, looking really disoriented... then this golden lab comes bounding out of the brush and the guy sort of snaps out of it and gets up slowly. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little bottle of alcohol, the kind you find in fancy hotel fridges or on airplanes. This sparks a memory for him and he is off and running. Comes to a beach, looks one way, its all beautiful and paradise looking... looks the other way and there is mayhem. Smoke and bits of charred airplane... giant engines, torn from the plane but still spinning... people running and screaming and dying... its a mess. This is just the beginning.

I promise you, if you like any kind of suspense stories... you are going to LOVE this. The show has many questions and many answers in every episode, and it keeps you coming back for more. It has a fairly high budget with a packed cast and excellent acting. I love this show, it is very intriguing on many levels and constantly stimulating. I do suggest though, that if you've seen some of the episodes, but haven't seen the beginning, you really must go out and do that, and if you are haven't seen any of it and you are thinking about it... again, you MUST watch it from the beginning... it really sets the stage and flavor for the entire story.

So obviously its about a plane crashing on an island... I've given this much away, and simply it is unlike any show about stranded people that I have ever seen. Don't take my word for it, go check it out yourself and let me know what you think... I give it a big, wet juicy kiss!

Muah!

Life Uncommon

Don't worry mother, it'll be alright.
Don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight.
It'll be fine, lover of mine
It'll be just fine

~chorus~
If we lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead
A life uncommon

I've heard your anguish
I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary
But we aren't worn out
Set down your chains, till only faith remains
set down your chains

~chorus~
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead
A life uncommon

There are plenty of people
Who pray for peace
But if praying were enough, it would have come to be
Let your words, enslave no one
And the heavens will hush themselves to hear
Your voices ring out clear
With sounds of freedom

C'mon you unbelievers, move out of the way
There is a new army coming
And we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

~chorus~
So lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead,

Repeat Chorus

~Jewel

Sorry folks I do not have more time to write anything else interesting or even original... I have an exam and an essay due on friday, so you can imagine how my week is going to be spent. I'll try to get in one of these nights, and I will definitly be checking out other's blogs... it takes way less effort to read and comment then to create for myself, at this moment anyway.