Lose the Users

I figure I must need to learn some kind of lesson about helping people and drawing boundaries. Either that or I have some serious karma to work out from my last life. I love to help people, to talk with them and listen to them and hopefully even inspire a little bravery into some of them, and so I guess it is perfectly natural that I would be attracted to, and attractive to, troubled people.

My boyfriend lived a lot of his life as a very depressed man, before he fell in love with me. That sounds like I was the catalyst for his change, and although that is a very nice and romantic idea, it's not how it happened here. He got to a point in his early thirties where it was either 'do something NOW to change your life, or kill yourself' and so he started taking anti-depressants. He had already tried many, many other treatments, but nothing worked, until the drugs. It was almost a miracle, in his eyes. The change was practically immediate. He said it felt as if a hungry demon had been lifted off his shoulders and the relief brought him to tears. Lucky for me. It's been more then ten years since then and although he still has some down times, they are far from unbearable. Also our relationship has only added to his feelings of gratitude and good fortune. This is a very successful man who has beaten the odds and been very brave. One of the many things I adore about him.

He is an exception in my life. I often become involved with people before they have their big changes and revelations... sometimes right on the brink of them, but mostly not. This brings me, in no short order, to my reason for this post.

I have written before about my dissatisfaction with my roommates, and you would not believe how grateful I am for the outlet, or else one day I might actually "kill people and eat their fucking heads."

Day 135 of the hostage-taking continues...And as of 3 weeks ago, it got way worse.

My roommate, Who, happens to be a really good friend of mine, and we all know that it is supposed to be disastrous to live with friends. Well on one hand that is true, and on the other, who the hell else should we live with, strangers? Not me, no thank you. Anyway, in this case it is true... we do better as friends then as roomies. Unfortunately for Who, she is not very good at managing her life and so often feels like everything goes wrong for her alone. I help her out every year or so, mainly it just works out that way, and I only give as much as I am comfortable with, so that next time it rolls around, I won't feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of. I try hard to maintain boundaries and still satisfy my need to help. Well about 5 and a half months ago, she left a really unhealthy relationship, and came here. The intention was to have a little recovery time and then get to work on making things better for herself. I needed a new roomie for my empty room and so it worked out great for all involved.

Until Who lost her job, and then sat around 'trying' to get another one for 2 months, by going out job-hunting at 2pm maybe 3 days a week. Ya its obvious to many of us that this is not exactly a recipe for success, but hey, I was trying to be supportive and getting angry and hounding someone to do something never ever works out well. If that person even ends up doing the thing, they are most definitely resentful, this does not promote happiness, and I am all about the happiness. Anyway, she finally got another job, after living off me the whole time 'off'. Well within 6 weeks, she lost that job. Too stressfull. I suggested school, its really working great for me and my prospects upon finishing do not include 'Subway' or 'New York Fries', (or American Fries, as my 8 year-old calls them). She wants to, but beginning is so overwhelming, she can not bring herself... so she found another job after about 3 more weeks. By this time she has spent too much of my money and can't talk about how to work it off cause she feels too guilty.

Then 3 weeks ago Who asks me if her sister can come stay with us for a little while, as she was moving here from Alberta. My roommate has no money, and so it is obvious to me which one of us will foot the bill on this. I say no. Plain and simple. "No." That does not do it, she whines, makes promises and since its her sister, I give an inch. I say, "2 days." She agrees.

After her sister, we'll call her Demanding, is here for 4 days I say to her, "so what's your plan?"

Demanding looks at me stupidly and says, "Oh I don't know."

Now I know this woman very well, known her before I met Who, and I know she is not stupid, but she IS lazy and most often useless. I ,never being daunted says, "Well do you have any money?"

She says, "Oh yes." I nod and say,

"Enough for damage deposit?"

She looks freaked and says "Oh.. NO." So she has maybe $100. She moves all the way here, with no job or house lined up (except to land at her sisters, which just happens to be my house) and no money. I can hardly stop myself from thinking, 'what a god damned loser.'

Instead I sigh and say "So what were you thinking you would do? Did you just expect your sister to catch you?" She shakes her head and says

"Oh no, of course not."

"What me then?"

"Oh no way, I would never expect that... but I do kind of need help." Right about now I feel like killing her and eating her fucking head.

Instead I say, "ok, you can stay here for one week. Just one." So that was three weeks ago. After that week was over and she was still here, and neither one of them has the balls to approach me about the situation, I have to bring it up myself. So after Who gives me her sob story and I again say "No. No. No way, I will not allow you to use me." She cries and pleads and tells me how hard she tries. I say "Ok fine, but you have to pay for the room and all the bills you rack up, including the food." She doesn't look extra pleased, like I am supposed to just be giving because I can, fuck you you fucking user. She agrees to it though, and after a day or so and we can talk about it again, she is way more understanding and apologetic. Demanding doesn't barely say a word to me about it all. She's more then happy to let Who do all the work for her. Well that's their issues not mine. The other day, they were both complaining about how little money they will have at then end of the month after paying me, not enough to get their own place, they will have to stay with Who's Ex for a while. This gives me a plan. I have already guessed that whatever they do see fit to give me when they get paid, won't be anywhere near what it will cost me to have them here the whole month, not to mention what Who already has racked up.

So I say to her, if you leave now, you don't have to give me a thing. But you have to go NOW, not the end of the week, or this weekend. Today. Who tried to discuss it with Demanding, but she doesn't want to deal with anything, she likes it here... its comfy, theres food, tv. Who is tired of her sister I think, she decides for them, and they are packing as I type this. Ahhhh, I can almost heave a sigh of relief.

Also, my love will be coming home soon... I can hardly wait.